* 1 star hangover
 
 No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and
 when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. 
 
 You are still able to function relatively well on the energy
 stored up from all those vodka redbulls.
 
 However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as
 parched as the Sahara . Even vegetarians are craving a
 Cheeseburger and a bag of fries. 
 
 
 
 ** 2 star hangover
 
 No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
 
 You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental
 capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain
 focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a
 full English breakfast. 
 
 Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are
 costing your employer valuable money because all you really can
 handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net
 and writing junk e-mails. 
 
 
 
 *** 3 star hangover
 
 Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space
 cadet and not so productive.
 
 Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the
 perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did
 with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at
 1:45 am. 
 
 Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
 dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've
 had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a
 litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once. 
 
 
 
 **** 4 star hangover
 
 You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you
 can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. 
 
 Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
 you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you
 smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed
 an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your
 make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). 
 
 Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like
 one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from
 a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for
 one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be
 alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone
 out the night before. 
 
 You scare small children in the street just by walking past them. 
 
 
 
 **** 5 star hangover
 
 You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
 annoying the employee who sits next to you. 
 
 Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. 
 You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
 brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
 saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would
 take the last drop of moisture left in your body. 
 
 Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad
 at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because
 you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because,
 let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe .....
 ....very gently. 
 
 
 
 ****** 6 star hangover
 
 You arrive home and climb into bed. 
 
 Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in
 the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your
 head wake you up. 
 
 You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is
 flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you
 now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find
 that your room is in a yacht under full sail. 
 
 After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls
 knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are
 lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
 explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of
 walrus mating calls. 
 
 You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only
 friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly
 continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help
 usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. 
 
 Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns
 into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there
 in the dark.
 
 With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have
 died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. 
 
 You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
 out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on 
 the last occasion. 
 
 It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for
 the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for
 trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your
 hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in
 exchange for them driving you to the hospital.Work is not an
 option. 
 
 The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
 you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again
 and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might
 even succeed.
 
 OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!! 
 
 Thought so!!