"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my
 outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
 
 "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and
 thankless."
 
 "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved
 out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut
 butter."
 
 "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought
 pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
 making it logical."
 
 "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on
 the table?"
 
 "It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no
 idea how it works."
 
 "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries
 in the remote are dead."
 
 "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate
 excuse to drive like a maniac."
 
 "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I
 can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
 
 "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still
 talking?"
 
 "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY
 MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
 
 "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay
 awake."
 
 "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives,
 fast cars, and naked women."
 
 "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the
 words to the theme  song of "F Troop", the address of the first
 girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car
 I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
 
 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY
 MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe,
 wearing a thong."
 
 "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY
 MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
 before I admit I'm hurt."
 
 "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty
 towel near the laundry basket."
 
 "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure
 hope I think of some pretty soon."
 
 "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me
 doing?"
 
 "She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to
 make my coffee."
 
 "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what
 you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
 enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
 
 "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please
 don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
 
 "I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper
 night at the ball/hockey game."
 
 "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the
 kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
 
 "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No
 one will ever see us alive again."
 
 "This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like
 you as much as I like my truck."
 
 "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She
 cleans them up."
 
 "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am
 perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."