Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
 and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple tests for
 expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life
 experience of being a mother or father.
 
 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
           stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9
           months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
 
   Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
        the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
        pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
        Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
        office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last
        time.
 
 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
    who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
    discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels,
    and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
    ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
    toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -
    it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of
    the answers.
 
 3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
    from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
    8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for
    midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the
    living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on
    for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and
    make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when
    the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the
    alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
    years. Look cheerful.
 
 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
    butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish
    finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick
    your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean
    walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
 
 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy
    an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into
    the string  bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed
    for this -- all morning.
 
 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
    paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using
    only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
    tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an
    empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the
    Eiffel Tower.
 
 CONCLUSION: Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
             on the playgroup committee.