I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement
 as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios
 listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.
 
 
 The Perfect Dump
 
 Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. 
 It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the
 worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece
 that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic
 high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it
 was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in
 the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
 
 
 The Beer Dump
 
 Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of
 too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is
 a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious
 malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked
 flames are ill advised.....
 
 
 The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
 
 Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with
 you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie
 starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass
 look like "a Japanese Flag."
 
 
 The Empty Roll Dump
 
 Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
 empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
 You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are
 the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You
 then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
 must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle
 yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always
 use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
 
 
 The Splash Back Dump
 
 This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
 that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
 Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half
 way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
 
 
 The Childbirth Dump
 
 This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
 nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
 First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
 wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
 newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
 loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 
 
 1. Scream
 2. Call an Obstetrician
 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through
    it.
 
 
 The Machine Gun Dump
 
 Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime
 peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
 break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next
 cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
 umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
 
 
 The Sound Effect Dump
 
 You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work
 mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever
 techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.
 Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try
 the following:
 
 1. Flush the toilet 
 2. Drop loose change on the floor
 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
 
 
 The Cling-On Dump
 
 You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
 You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. 
 You twist and pump but the little thing just hangs there,
 suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
 below. If only you had some scissors.......
 
 
 The Whole Roll Dump
 
 No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
 whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. 
 The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet 
 paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash 
 clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
 
 
 The Encore Dump
 
 Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
 about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming
 on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. 
 The world record is seven encores.....
 
 
 The Houdini Dump
 
 You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep
 down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
 Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear
 and smile at the next person who comes in.