Will the real dummy please stand up?
 
 AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
 lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
 severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
 intelligence.
 
 With a little help from our friends!
 
 Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
 subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
 firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
 was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give
 yourself up!"
 
 What was plan B?
 
 An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
 forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
 The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
 accounts.
 
 These nitwits are teaching our children?
 
 A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
 for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
 reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be
 confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).
 
 Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather
 straps!
 
 Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
 that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
 homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This
 is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner,
 "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."
 
 The getaway!
 
 A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all
 the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small,
 so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
 three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
 
 Too well educated?
 
 In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
 his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too
 many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another
 field, all this may not have happened."
 
 Did I say that?
 
 Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
 just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
 asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
 your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
 said!"
 
 Ouch, that smarts!!!
 
 A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
 pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-
 Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of
 his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping
 and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
 explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's
 charred trousers in custody.
 
 Are we are communicating?
 
 A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
 her contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first
 child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This
 is her husband!"
 
 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!
 
 In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
 hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
 thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
 failed to keep his hand in his pocket.