One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
 Inverness.
 
 Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired
 highlander stepped Into the middle of the road. The man is at
 least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe.
 He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near
 freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and
 a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
 
 At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely
 beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart
 stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only
 distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car
 door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist
 resembling a whole raw ham.
 
 "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts. "Ah want you to masturbate."
 
 "But......," stammers the driver.
 
 "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
 
 So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
 starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this
 doesn't take him long.
 
 "Right!" snarls the highlander. "Du it again!"
 
 "But.....," says the driver.
 
 "Now!"
 
 So the driver does it again.
 
 "Right laddie, du it again," demands the highlander.
 
 This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps
 in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache,
 his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and
 despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap
 on the ground, unable to stand.
 
 "Du it again," says the highlander.
 
 "I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers
 the man.
 
 The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the
 roadside. "All right laddie," he says. "NOW you can give ma
 daughter a lift to Inverness."