1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave
    it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
    animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We
    don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a
    fleeting glimpse of yours.
 
 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
    messages from here.
 
 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
    That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's
    nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
 
 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
    keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you
    can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on
    at all.
 
 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance
    delete it at once. We're just testing.
 
 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in
    and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
 
 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
    and flags it as a rush delivery.
 
 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
    There's electronics in it.
 
 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
    computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
 
 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
     computer support. We're collectors.
 
 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
     person's chair with no name, no phone number and no
     description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
 
 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
     cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
 
 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly,
     reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do
     you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
 
 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
     times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
 
 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the
     job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to
     work.
 
 16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know
     exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
 
 17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
 
 18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of
     your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it.
     Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on
     top of them.
 
 19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
     the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half
     a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
 
 20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
     Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you
     wouldn't be doing it, would you?
 
 21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit
     uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he
     hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
 
 22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
     about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our
     area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
 
 23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call
     I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
     complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be
     performed only by a professional engineer with a master's
     degree in nuclear physics.
 
 24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call
     I.T. Support.
 
 25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.
     Support. We love to hack.
 
 26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
     secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of
     having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything
     about the problem.
 
 27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone
     as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that
     mail server.
 
 28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
     smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a
     memo into the queue.
 
 29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000
     worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud
     voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one
     floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
 
 30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire
     company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's
     going on.
 
 31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a
     Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
 
 32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your
     own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
 
 33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the
     office,leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the
     settings and drivers somewhere.