Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
 
 I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal
 of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online
 affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only
 because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the
 reasons for this action:
 
 _____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,
       competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of
       the romance out of it.
 
 _____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer
       to me has hurt my feelings.
 
 _____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of
       punctuation.
 
 _____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were
       less than honest:
 
 · __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
 
 · __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
 
 · __ You typed your own name at the end.
 
 · __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply
      page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
 
 · __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are
      hiding something from me.
 
 · __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test
      suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
 
 · __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police
      record.
 
 · __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I
      wish to face stalking charges.
 
 · __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.
 
 · __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the
      time you're spending on the computer.
 
 · __ I have established a more personal relationship with the
      Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about
      what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes
      come. They are closer than you think.
 
 · ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me
       feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
 
 · ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only
       14 violates the terms of my parole.
 
 · ___ I am entering the witness protection program.
 
 Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son
 of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that
 there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
 
 Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
 
 __ Sincerely,
 
 __ Gleefully,
 
 __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
 
 __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
 
 __ Good riddance,
 
 [Name or alias]