A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
 speak.
 
 After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
 replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
 put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
 nervous I take a sip."
 
 So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
 beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
 proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass
 he found the following note on his door:  
 
 Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.  
 
 There are 10 commandments, not 12.  
 
 There are 12 disciples, not 10.  
 
 Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.  
 
 Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "bet his ass."  
 
 We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.  
 
 David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.  
 
 When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
 he was stoned off his ass.  
 
 We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!  
 
 When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
 and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."