1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
    regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to
    get home.
 
 2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by 
    your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat
    with some toilet paper.
 
 3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands
 
 4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
    have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
 
 5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
 
 6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
    over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with
    bare flesh.
 
 7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
 
 8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with
    any faeces.
 
 9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
    positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin
    (about five or six applications per roll).
 
 10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the
     paper.
 
 11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
     necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more
     rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his
     eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while
     he is trying to watch sport.
 
 12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
 
 13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
 
 14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
     freshener.
 
 15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
     boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
     behind you.
 
 
 15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
 
 1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag;
    tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
 
 2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
    Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
 
 3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
 
 4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching
    the toilet rim.
 
 5. Open reading material and relax.
 
 6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
 
 7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
    experience a cold jet of water rocket upyour anus as a result
    of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a 
    real man.
 
 8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to 
    your legs and buttocks.
 
 9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
    irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. 
    colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You
    must tell people about it.
 
 10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
     paper before throwing it into the pan.
 
 11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces
     on the paper.
 
 12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
     circumstances attempt to cleanit off. In due course, it will
     come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses
     the loo.
 
 13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor
     (you can use it again later).
 
 14. Wash your hands once.
 
 15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to
     a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.